the scriptorium

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Well, it seems that I have passed the point of no return. I just accepted what seems like a boatload of student loan money, but I know that it will still not cover everything for the next 2 semesters. Oh, it will more than cover the direct expenses (tuition, books, and the like), but of course there's those niggling expenses of food and shelter. For those, I will be working at least part-time. I say "at least", because I found out today that there's a possibility that, if I drop down to actual part-time status, I may lose my benefits package, including the medical benefits. I've been trying to plan ahead in that regard; last weekend I got an eye exam and I ordered new lenses for my glasses this afternoon. It'll be a good thing, too--I found out that my prescription has changed more than I thought it had. Lingering after-effects of the year and a half of 56 hour weeks at the computer. But at least that's taken care of. I guess I should get to the dentist, too, but I really am not up for that. It's never as bad as I think it will be, but I hate going to the dentist anyway. The one thing that may be an issue, medically speaking, is that I will be due for a follow-up visit to the endocrinologist in October to make sure the Graves is still in recession. I'm believing that I'm totally healed, of course, but it'll be good to have confirmation. I guess if I lose the medical insurance, God and I will find another way to deal. All of this is really testing my faith. But I guess that's a good thing--I truly believe that a faith not tested doesn't grow. I've decided against the Paypal thing for now--I'm not sure if the decision is due to wanting to test my faith, or if I just don't want to deal with the hassle of criticism. Either way, that's how I'm going for now.

Another way that this whole back-to-school thing is testing me is in the area of my self-confidence. I am appalled at myself for the thoughts that run through my head at times. There's this defeatist soundtrack that seems to be running just under the surface that comes up now and then, a "voice" that tells me that I can't do this, that I will fail, that even if I do pass the classes, this will be just another useless degree like the first one and I'll be stuck as a data processor forever and will never be able to pay back the student loans. That last one is the one that, if I didn't have the faith that I have and the community support that I do, would make me want to just fall into despair. You know, I used to be convinced that I could do anything, that there was nothing I couldn't do or learn to do with just a modicum of effort. Now it seems like anything the least bit "unknown" makes me balk like a stubborn old mule. What's up with that? I told someone the other day that, if I could just figure out the process of getting into the classes, the classes themselves would be a cinch. I really think that's true, but I'm having a difficult time imagining myself actually being there. All I really know is that this is the thing that I've wanted for so long, and I'm going to ride it out for as long as I can. God's got some kind of slack to be picking up this time! :^)

posted by #Debi at 9:02 PM | permalink | 0 comments