the scriptorium

Thursday, March 06, 2003

(I'm not sure where this entry is going to end up, so bear with me...) Last night we had our Ash Wednesday "thing", which I facilitated and which went well. Thanks to those who prayed--I didn't screw up too badly, or not at all, actually. Alan posted a nice synopsis, with photos and everything, on The Vine. We had a really good discussion of the office that we read, especially one of the verses of the psalm, Ps. 138:23-24. The version of the office we were using translated it as, "Look into me, God, and know my heart: Examine me and know my paths. See if I am wandering on ways that lead nowhere, and set my feet on the path to eternity." We seemed to focus on the portion that I have in bold. It seemed everyone had a notion of what constituted a "way that leads nowhere". I mentioned that it seemed like I had paths like that in every area of my life, and that I feel like I am spinning my wheels, especially financially and in some things that I'd like to accomplish in life (thinking of the "Ireland thing", as I do so often). I just feel so stuck--in a job that I get no satisfaction out of except that it barely keeps me off the street, constantly worrying about bills, having no savings to speak of, et cetera, ad infinitum. Someone in our group put forth the hypothesis that maybe this is all we're meant to do--just live our life like we're living it now, not really striving after all that "stuff" that our particular branch of charismania taught us for so long that we're supposed to have to be "King's Kids". I do agree with the basics of that, really I do. I don't think for a minute that I will have to win the lottery or something to be happy. Having said that, though, the thought of my life continuing on as it is right now for the rest of the time I'm allotted on earth is just so...I don't know; demoralizing and depressing! If I really thought that I had to go on like this for the rest of my life, what would be the freakin' point?! Of course, being the sometimes-obsessive type that I am, I thought about this all morning and worked myself up into a fine state until almost lunchtime. Sometimes I frighten myself when I get into one of these spirals and thank God that I'm too much of a control freak to do drugs or get stupid drunk or anything like that. In the state I was in emotionally this morning, that could have been really dangerous. I finally had to stick a classical music CD into the player and let the music soothe my savage breast, as it were. I still don't know the answer to these ponderings--maybe there really isn't one and my usual Scarlett O'Hara-like "I'll think about it tomorrow" attitude really is the way to go on this one. Typing all this out helps some. Hopefully I'll come back to this some day and laugh at what an idiot I once was. Sorry if I've bummed anybody out, but this kind of thing is what I started this blog for--to work out issues in my life that aren't necessarily pretty.

posted by #Debi at 7:57 PM | permalink | 0 comments